This is my second blog post and it isn’t about technology or programming for that matter. I would like to talk a little bit about another aspect of me (apart from a being a techie, I am a recovering alcoholic). On 13th of this month I completed two years of sobriety and I would like to talk a little bit about it. How would I like to describe this period – “Transformation”. I am happy today, I am grateful and the most important part is that I am “Sober” today.
Let me start with talking about the sobriety period (people generally talk about the “drunk” days and it’s important to talk about them – so that you don’t forget). In the beginning it was all so confusing, chaotic, frightening and depressing to say the least. The initial month of sobriety was the most difficult to deal with (and I mean it because I relapsed after a month or so – original sobriety date was sometime in May 2014 – I don’t even remember it). Gradually it all started to make sense, pieces started to fit together, answers started coming in, realizations happened and the urge to go into a state of oblivion was relieved somehow. This talk is not about the medium how I got sober, neither am I going to talk about the stuff that an alcoholic mind does, what I would like to talk about is the feeling after calamity. All my life I have been very good at solving problems, discovering patterns and making logical inference. The only piece that didn’t fit in my life earlier was “Me”. This period of 2 years has been all about fitting that piece. All my life I was trying to become something I was not. I will not go into the details behind what led to that but what happened in these two years is what matters the most. To describe the feeling I would say “I have lived more in these 2 years than my entire lifetime, I have learned more in these 2 years than my entire lifetime and I have done more in these 2 years than my entire lifetime”.
Today I am grateful for all that I have and for the things that I don’t have, I am working, making efforts and praying. Fundamentally I have realized that I have more than what I need and I can’t be anything but grateful for all of it. My family loves me, my friends appreciate my company, my colleagues seek my help on important matters (although I can be a bit difficult to deal with at times as I have a propensity to be very blunt at times), people around me find me courteous and humble most of the times. I am afraid of making mistakes but that doesn’t stop me from trying to do the right thing based on my judgement and capacity. I am still compulsive about perfection in this imperfect world but that doesn’t stop me from taking baby steps and doing whatever little fractions that I can. I am still very competitive but that never leads me to do unethical things. I don’t try to take shortcuts and find easier, softer ways. My behavior at times can be child like but I know that I am only 2 years old (today they celebrated my second birthday). The journey has begun and so far it has been one hell of a ride. It seems my soul has been shaken, serviced and put back in with a new battery. Thanks for coming along and reading it. I hope to be back with some techie stuff soon.